Poison and Wine (I Always Will)
by brilliantbritooobsessed
Summary: "What's on your mind?" Brittany asked while proceeding to slide her hand in reassuring caresses up and down Santana's flexed bicep. Santana knew she was going to soften. These touches were too familiar—too exactly as she remembered them to resist. Most her life she'd been trying and failing to resist Brittany's touch; Santana knew she wasn't going to start now. " 4x22 One Shot


**Hello everyone! I hope you are all doing fantastically. So I just tossed this together because I was listening to music and the song Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars came on. As I was listening I started drowning in a pool of Brittana feels in which we all know there is no escape. So i built a lifeboat with words and this is it. Basically this takes place after the scene in "All or Nothing" (4x22) when Brittany says her goodbyes to everyone. I don't consider it AU so you shouldn't either I think. Anyway, I hope you like it. Send me a review after you read it. I love feedback. And if you do it off anon I'll even send you a little reply expressing my gratitude. Nothing here is beta'd do I apologize for any and all mistakes. Happy reading :)**

Santana drove in silence, counting each breath as it fell out of Brittany's mouth in short waves occasionally broken by a tidal wave sigh. It had been a long day. Correction: It'd been a long year. Santana wasn't sure how things had changed so much. Just a year ago she fell asleep on Brittany's chest. The same breaths she heard now used to lull her to sleep. These days Santana was lucky if she slept more than a few sporadic hours at a time. She'd given up on dreaming long ago, but surely, if she could, Santana would dream about those simpler days when she woke to blue eyes and a gentle kiss. Now she woke to an empty pillow without even a morning text from her best friend.

A change in pattern caused Santana to glance over. Brittany had long ago stopped crying, but she looked on the brink again. Santana couldn't really understand why Brittany was so emotional about leaving McKinley. It's not like Brittany was going to leave behind her best friend and more than the way she had when she graduated. The thought crossed her mind that maybe Brittany was really beaten up about leaving Sam, but Santana brushed it aside. She couldn't afford to think like that. She needed to keep her mind focused on her relationship with Brittany. Bringing him up would only complicate matters. Still though, Santana felt betrayed that Brittany had so quickly jumped into his arms. Everything was just so messed up and for once Santana didn't have the answers. So she stayed quiet.

Until she reached Brittany's house that is.

She parked out front in the spot that she'd claimed since she first got her license. Brittany pivoted sideways in her seat, releasing the seat belt with a click. Santana remained facing forward, scared to even look at her friend. Suddenly her lungs failed to take in air. Her whole chest spasmed as her heart raced sporadically. What used to feel like butterflies in her stomach now resembled knots. Santana just hoped Brittany couldn't see how anxious she was.

"Thanks for the ride," Brittany whispered, just as unsure and melancholy as Santana felt. "It's been great having you back in town," she added with a little more confidence.

"Yeah..."

"What time does your flight leave?"

"Ten something. I'll probably leave the house by seven to give myself plenty of time." Santana struggled to find something to say to fill the silence. When the moment dragged on way past the point of awkward Brittany finally gathered her wits.

Santana felt Brittany's lean fingers wrap lightly around her forearm. She focused solely on her knuckles as they gripped tighter and tighter to the wheel. The discoloring gave her somewhere to look instead of Brittany's eyes. "What's on your mind?" Brittany asked while proceeding to slide her hand in reassuring caresses up and down Santana's flexed bicep. Santana knew she was going to soften. These touches were too familiar—too exactly as she remembered them to resist. Most her life she'd been trying and failing to resist Brittany's touch; Santana knew she wasn't going to start now. "You look so serious."

Santana gave a half smile as a sigh fell from her lips. "I'm always serious."

"Not always."

Falling back into the playful banter she'd always shared with her best friend, Santana challenged, "When have I ever not been serious?" Santana unbuckled her seat belt and pivoted sideways so Brittany could see her raising her left eyebrow playfully.

"Ok... Well what about that time Freshman year we broke into Puck's locker and filled it completely up with tampons? You could not stop laughing."

Santana scoffed and crossed her arms. "I may have been laughing and having fun, but I was deadly serious about getting all those tamps on in."

"That's what she said."

"That's disgusting, Britt."

"You're disgusting."

"Coming from the girl who failed the dentist test for clean teeth by having literally the blackest chompers ever."

"You're the one that tried to go down on me in Mr. Shue's bed Sophomore year," Brittany rebutted with a smug grin.

Santana laughed as she tried to figure out her next point. "Yeah... Well... At least I was serious about being a perv."

"You weren't serious that time I fingered you after we won National's and you couldn't stop laughing."

Santana couldn't resist; she burst into a fit of giggles that matched the ones Brittany was producing from her side. Brittany tossed a little fist bump tot he air at her apparent win of the argument before the moment died all together. Santana leaned back in her seat as she caught her breath. Suddenly the car was tense again—the mood shifting like the turn of a kaleidoscope.

"I miss when things were like that," Brittany admitted suddenly, her eyes fixed on Santana's clenched jaw.

Santana gulped down her fear before admitting, "Me too."

"Do you think it will ever feel like that again? Us, I mean."

"I hope so." It was as honest as Santana could bear to be. She didn't know though. She desperately wanted things to go back to normal with Brittany, but the last time she was in town Brittany had given her hope only to smash it away again.

"I have an idea," Brittany exclaimed. She bounded out of the car in two quick graceful moves before shouting, "Come on!" Santana didn't know what had gotten into Brittany, but she followed anyway.

Brittany led Santana directly up to her bedroom where she closed (and locked, Santana noted) the door. "So you remember the summer before Sophomore year when we had sex for the first time and then you freaked out and disappeared for like a week?" Brittany gushed as she ran excitedly to her desk. She ripped off her jacket and gloves before quickly pulling open the bottom drawer. Before Santana could respond Brittany added, "And do you remember how you finally showed up here with a really fat kitten and a bouquet of daisies for me? And you were like-"

"No one should get ditched after trusting someone with their virginity. Yeah, I remember, Britt." Santana sat down on the edge of Brittany's bed, now excited to see where Brittany was heading with this.

"Yeah, well that was the moment I fell in love with you. At least that's when I realized it." Santana gasped. The full weight of what Brittany was so hurriedly proclaiming settling on her shoulders like a blanket. She didn't understand how Brittany could be so nonchalant about such a momentous realization and exclamation. "So anyway, that night, after you left, I sat down next to Lord Tubbington and wrote it all down in my diary. Before... Well before you sang that really sweet song and broke up with me I would reread the passage every night before bed in hopes that my love for you would somehow make things better even though I missed you. I want to read you a bit right now. Is that ok?"

Santana wasn't sure she could even speak if she wanted to so she nodded quietly and watched as Brittany continued to dig. Finally her friend stood up with an old ratted pink journal in hand. "Ok. Well here goes." Brittany flipped open to the page with ease and cleared her throat.

_Dear Darlene the Diary,_

_ Santana surprised me tonight. She came over with a bunch of flowers and a kitten! Both were for me! We named the cat Lord Tubbington because he's so fat. Also, he's kind of weird and I really hope my parents let me keep him. But anyway, that wasn't even the weirdest part. She also told me that she wanted to surprise me because she felt bad for falling off the planet after taking my V Card. She didn't admit what we did was sex and that means something, but she did say that she didn't want me to have to think I got blown off after having sex. I always knew it wasn't a hit and quit, but it was really awesome to hear Santana say it too. I don't really know what's going to happen next, but I hope it means we can have sex again. I really liked it. I've always liked being close to Santana and having sex with her felt like it feels when you put on your favorite sweater when it's still warm from the dryer. She's like the human version of home. I guess I don't want to give that up. And I'm not really planning on telling her this ever, but I think you should know because you won't tell my secrets. I think I love her. No. Actually, I know I love her. More than a friend too. She's my best friend and I would be happy never having sex with another person ever again. Anyway, just thought you'd want to know_."

Santana was stunned into silence. That night had meant a lot to her too, but for different reasons. She left Brittany's house feeling horrible and dejected. She cried in her bedroom for hours knowing full well that she needed to find a way to make sure not to have sex with her again. It was that very same night that Santana called up Puck and told him they were going out the next day. Hearing Brittany's thoughts after the same encounter ripped Santana's heart open anew. She had been so young and stupid. She had Brittany. She had her longer than she'd even realized and she took it all for granted. As she sat on the edge of the bed, Santana wondered if she ever even deserved Brittany at all.

"Did you not want to hear that?" Brittany asked as she set the journal down. She hesitated briefly before taking one step closer to the now guilt-ridden girl on her bed. Santana frowned and shook her head. "It's ok, B. I just... I just can't help but feel like I really _really _fucked up. A lot."

"We both made mistakes," Brittany assured as she sat down next to Santana. "I wasn't that good to you sometimes either."

"Yeah, but I don't even have you anymore!" Santana stood up and forced back the tears that were brimming. "I wasted so much time playing mind games and denying my feelings for you when I could have just had you. And now I like in New York with Yentyl and Pinocchio and you're moving to Boston and we're unofficially, but mostly officially broken up. I have no clue how to act around you because every instinct I have tells me to kiss you or hug you or tell you I love you. And it's making me _fucking insane_." Santana's voice broke and a few tears made their escape. She brushed away at them quickly and turned away.

Brittany walked to Santana, hugging her gently from behind. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "For making you insane."

"It's not your fault."

"If it makes you feel any better I'm really confused too. Like right now, for instance..." Brittany's voice trailed off. She leaned closer so Santana could feel her hot breath against the delicate skin on her neck. "When I hug you like this all I can think about is how badly I want to suck on this spot that makes you moan." Brittany blew a gust of air against the crease where Santana's neck turned into shoulder. Immediately goosebumps covered Santana's arms and the small hairs on her neck stood up ready for more. "And when I think about how easy it would be to make you moan I want to kiss all the places you like most."

Santana leaned back into Brittany's body. Her body was on fire and her face flushed. It had been a long time—too long—since she felt this particular type of good. A small nagging voice in the back of her head was urging her to walk away now, but Santana didn't dare. Instead she folded quickly and soon she was spread eagle on Brittany's bed. Years of practice conditioned Brittany to knowing every inch of Santana's body. There wasn't a place she hadn't explored. So she touched, kissed, caressed, nibbled, and sucked at every spot Santana loved most until her best friend was covered in a sheen of sweat and thoroughly exhausted. Brittany licked her lips and sucked the last of Santana's juices of her fingers before settling down next to her companion.

"What does this mean?" Santana asked when she had caught her breath.

Brittany ran her fingertip along the crease in Santana's forehead before kissing the spot. "We broke up because of distance. We're still going to be far away. So maybe this just means...you're my someday?"

Santana had never really thought of Brittany that way. She was always there right then when she needed her until she wasn't there at all. But maybe this was a good thing. A someday. Santana smiled and hugged Brittany closer because she realized that they weren't over. It was an unofficial breakup. For now they just had to focus on their own dreams. But someday Brittany's path would intersect hers again. And then they'd be together again. For now, Santana had the night. And she was not going to waste it talking.


End file.
